The Lady and the Cad

In our brand-new advice section, we offer two replies to each reader's amatory queriy. Camilla Grace de Coverly-Veale runs her own marriage with all the efficiency of the Western Desert Campaign of 1940, while Romney Delaunay has ruined countless marriages with a slightly more random approach. Send your questions to advice@thechap.net for publication in the next issue.

Dear Cad and the Lady,
During the last three weeks, a rather nasty rash has developed in my "downstairs" region. I have tried rubbing it with various unguents and medical preparations, but nothing seems to shift it. This weekend my girlfriend has promised to let me go to bed with her for the first time, and I don't know whether to mention the rash to her before, during or after this occasion?
Cordially, Freddy Spuke-Hastings

The Lady:
Mr SP! On no account should you even consider revealing 'down there's parts' to your ladylove in such a condition. Obviously, mentioning it beforehand will result in her never considering making her way to the 'midlands' again. Leaving it until having embarked on the act will create a decidedly frosty atmosphere, while leaving it until after lovemaking is simply too vulgar to consider. Keep her hanging by the subtly twirling thread of tension, at least until it clears; I would never underestimate the advantages of keeping a young lady waiting for your attentions: frankly, they crave it.

The Cad:
Why not tell your inamorata that you have developed an allergy to the cheaper things in life (dressing-gowns made of silk rather than shantung, non-vintage champagne, silver cigarette cases rather than platinum, etc). That way, not only will she take pity on you, and you may have your wicked way with her, but she will also shower you with expensive presents. Either that, or say it's the old war wound playing up and the shrapnel's on the move again.