MIdday-11pm, Saturday 11th July, Bedford Square Gardens, London WC1
Tickets may be purchased in person from Bourne and Hollingsworth, 28 Rathbone Place, London W1, by telephone from 0207 724 1617 or from here: Ticketweb.co.uk
The full list of all ten Olympiad events is as follows:
- Martini Knockout Relay – teams of four must complete a perfect dry martini over a ten-yard course, with the resulting cocktail being judged by a connoisseur
- Cucumber Sandwich Discus – individuals must hurl a cucumber sandwich on a china plate, with points deducted for getting earth in the sandwich
- Three-Trousered Limbo – pairs of contestants are strapped into huge pairs of trousers with three legs and stumble under a limbo pole, to the strains of calypso rendered by a Brass band
- Tug of Hair – Teams of ten tug at the tips of an enormous handlebar moustache, with the added handicap of slippery moustache wax
- The Pipeathlon – contestants must complete a gruelling course comprising a 10-yard saunter, ten yards on a bicycle, and ten yards without their feet touching the ground, while maintaining a fully lit pipe
- Hop, Skip and G&T – as simple as it sounds, and as difficult to perform with a brimming tumbler of gin and tonic. Spillages count against one’s overall score
- Quill Throwing – one for the poets: a quill is thrown at a target, marked with different styles of verse, in which one must recite a suitable stanza
- Bounders – a chap must say something so caddish to a lady that he receives a slap. The cad with the reddest face, but the wryest smile, is the winner
- Umbrella Jousting – in the medieval tradition, chaps on bicycles approach each other along a boundary and use their brollies to knock each other off, protected by Bowler hats and reinforced copies of the Daily Telegraph
- The Great Steeplechase – the nags are chaps in horse’s masks, the jockeys are ladies, and the hurdles are items repugnant to a chap: inflatable hamburgers, lager cans and "chav" mannequins
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