THE ART OF HOUSE HUSBANDRY

It would seem that, while we gentlemen have been busy perfecting our cigarette lighting techniques and conducting amusing experiments with hair lacquer, the ladies have been engaged in what they rather quaintly call a 'sexual revolution'. Many of them have claimed that they too are entitled to a life of sitting at a desk for eight hours, in between two gruelling hours of commuting, relieved only by the occasional opportunity of barking orders at some subordinate. The resulting state of affairs resembles something of a volte-face within the marital home of today.

To the staunch gentleman of leisure, this situation can be of more benefit than it sounds. Within the bond of Holy Matrimony, we will be permitted to spend the entire day abandoning ourselves to the muse (while the muse herself goes out and earns a crust), giving full vent to the artistic creations that well within us like a dormant Vesuvius.
However, take heed. As the day draws to a close, you can expect your beloved to arrive home after a hard day on mammon's exercise wheel, and it is at this juncture that you must lay your notebook/harpsichord/tapestry aside and devote your attentions to her comfort. Here is a step-by-step guide to maintaining a happy modern marital home.

1. First of all, prepare yourself for Mrs Chap's homecoming. Refresh yourself, wash off any stains you may have incurred during the day, and perhaps put a clean tie on. Be a little gay and interesting to your wife, for she will have spent the entire day with dull, ambitious people. Take her mind away from office politics by reading her a fragment of verse, plucking her a song on your lyre, or dancing a merry jig around her as she tries to barge past you into the nuptial home with her bulging briefcase.

2. Have a large, stiff drink ready as soon as Mrs Chap walks through the door. Take large draughts of it as you listen raptly to her account of her day. Perhaps even offer her a drink herself, if she feels like one. Many women are quite hungry when arriving home from work, so this might be a good time to enquire about dinner. If your wife's proposed menu is to your satisfaction, then you might want to help her put the apron on. If it is not, then this would be a good time to begin perusing the drawerful of takeaway menus in the kitchen.

3. Over dinner, speak in a low and soothing voice and listen carefully to your wife's conversation. Let her speak first, for her topics of conversation are much more important than yours. Remember, she is the mistress of the house and will ultimately be responsible for the utility bills and so forth, so it is probably wise to keep on the right side of her. As soon as the meal is over, offer to make an appraisal of the evening's televisual offerings while she washes the dishes. This will give her a sense of being cared for and nurtured.

4. Never complain if your wife comes home late or extremely drunk. This is normal in the world of business, and probably means
she will soon be up for promotion - which is good news for you in the long run. Even if she neglects to come home at all until the following day, looking tired and dishevelled, count this as a positive benefit for the future of the household; expect a few generous gifts during the next few days.

5. The key to enjoying the few shared hours you have together, as a result of Mrs Chap's professional commitments, is to include her in every activity - even the ones you would normally consider out of bounds for the ladies. For example, when you settle down on your Turkish cushions with the nozzle of your hookah firmly set between your teeth, you might ask Mrs Chap to read you a bedtime story. Saki is always a good choice, or perhaps something by Edgar Allan Poe if the fancy takes you. As the Lebanese hashish takes its effect, your wife will gaze at you affectionately and plump up the cushions around your head, feeling that her long day at the office was all worth it.

6. When it comes to bedtime, your wife will need several minutes in the bathroom to lovelify herself for the boudoir. Make this easier for her by not making her wait too long outside the bathroom while you apply your hair net and de-wax your moustache. As every gentleman knows, these nocturnal grooming procedures can take up to an hour, so reward your wife for her patience by planting a mouthwash-enlivened kiss on her forehead as you relinquish the bathroom.

7. When it comes to intimate relations with your wife, it is important to remember that the modern lady has quite radical views on the matter. In all things be led by her wishes and wait for her to make the first move. If you're lucky, she will simply fall asleep as soon as she gets into bed, and you can settle back into a pleasant eight hours in the arms of Morpheus. Should your wife suggest congress, however, then accede humbly, all the while being mindful that the woman's satisfaction is more important than the man's. When she reaches her moment of fulfilment, a small moan from yourself is encouraging, and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had. Should your wife suggest any of the more unusual sexual practices, leap out of bed and give her a brief illustrated lecture on the dangers of syphilis and gonnorhoea. It is likely that your wife will fall promptly asleep immediately after lovemaking. This would be a good time to set the alarm clock for her, and put on a sturdy pair of earmuffs so it doesn't wake you up in the morning.

8. Preparations for the morning's breakfast should ideally be made the night before. This means that your wife will not have to be doing with such things first thing in the morning. When you arise, some four hours after she has left for the office, it makes a pleasant start to the afternoon to find a tray in the kitchen with teapot, cup, saucer, jug of milk, and a casserole full of fresh kedgeree in the oven.